I told my mother once that I was a girl when I was six years old, something I don’t think anyone who knew me would be surprised by, even her. My mother told me, matter-of-fact, that I was male and it could not and would not change. It was a one-and-done conversation, I remember. I didn’t feel ashamed, but I knew not to mention it publicly.I had no reference to pull from, no one else to use as a guide on how this should be brought up and how it could possibly go. I am still grateful to this day that I had a much more pleasant experience than many other trans people have had coming out to their families. Nonetheless I knew my confession didn’t feel exactly right. So like most trans women in their youth, I learned to express my gender identity privately. I always knew that I identified as female, a girl, a woman, because it was so early and innate and certainly not due to my environment or the Awesome i hate my ancestors shirt besides I will buy this way I was raised.
I wanted to be liked, and I wanted to look good and be courted romantically and be pushed on the Awesome i hate my ancestors shirt besides I will buy this swing in the same way girls were. I wanted the distinct femininity that came with girlhood but didn’t have the language or means to express that. So when I was told that I wasn’t a girl in black-and-white terms, I chose to push that part of myself deep into a place no one could see it. This was the ’90s, and homosexuality was becoming mainstream with prime-time shows like Queer Eye and Will & Grace. Taking cues from the people around me and the media at the time, I quote-unquote chose to be gay. That was more palatable, an easier way to live or at least get by. Yet whenever I was left to my own devices or could sneak upstairs away from prying eyes, I would slink into my mother’s walk-in closet, slipping my feet into heels from Prada and Manolo Blahnik. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, a show I’d absorbed by lingering in the room as my mom and aunts would watch.
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